(Heartbreaking story of a mom dealing with her 13 year old son's mental illness - same situation as Adam Lanza's mom)
BY Liza Long
Three days before 20-year-old Adam Lanza killed his mother, then opened fire on a classroom full of Connecticut kindergartners, my 13-year-old son Michael (name changed) missed his bus because he was wearing the wrong color pants.
"I can wear these pants," he said, his tone increasingly belligerent, the black-hole pupils of his eyes swallowing the blue irises.
"They are navy blue," I told him. "Your school's dress code says black or khaki pants only."
"They told me I could wear these," he insisted. "You're a stupid bitch. I can wear whatever pants I want to. This is America. I have rights!"
"You can't wear whatever pants you want to," I said, my tone affable, reasonable. "And you definitely cannot call me a stupid bitch. You're grounded from electronics for the rest of the day. Now get in the car, and I will take you to school."
I live with a son who is mentally ill. I love my son. But he terrifies me.
A few weeks ago, Michael pulled a knife and threatened to kill me and then himself after I asked him to return his overdue library books. His 7- and 9-year-old siblings knew the safety plan—they ran to the car and locked the doors before I even asked them to. I managed to get the knife from Michael, then methodically collected all the sharp objects in the house into a single Tupperware container that now travels with me. Through it all, he continued to scream insults at me and threaten to kill or hurt me.
That conflict ended with three burly police officers and a paramedic wrestling my son onto a gurney for an expensive ambulance ride to the local emergency room. The mental hospital didn't have any beds that day, and Michael calmed down nicely in the ER, so they sent us home with a prescription for Zyprexa and a follow-up visit with a local pediatric psychiatrist.
We still don't know what's wrong with Michael. Autism spectrum, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant or Intermittent Explosive Disorder have all been tossed around at various meetings with probation officers and social workers and counselors and teachers and school administrators. He's been on a slew of antipsychotic and mood-altering pharmaceuticals, a Russian novel of behavioral plans. Nothing seems to work.
At the start of seventh grade, Michael was accepted to an accelerated program for highly gifted math and science students. His IQ is off the charts. When he's in a good mood, he will gladly bend your ear on subjects ranging from Greek mythology to the differences between Einsteinian and Newtonian physics to Doctor Who. He's in a good mood most of the time. But when he's not, watch out. And it's impossible to predict what will set him off.
Several weeks into his new junior high school, Michael began exhibiting increasingly odd and threatening behaviors at school. We decided to transfer him to the district's most restrictive behavioral program, a contained school environment where children who can't function in normal classrooms can access their right to free public babysitting from 7:30 to 1:50 Monday through Friday until they turn 18.
The morning of the pants incident, Michael continued to argue with me on the drive. He would occasionally apologize and seem remorseful. Right before we turned into his school parking lot, he said, "Look, Mom, I'm really sorry. Can I have video games back today?"
"No way," I told him. "You cannot act the way you acted this morning and think you can get your electronic privileges back that quickly."
His face turned cold, and his eyes were full of calculated rage. "Then I'm going to kill myself," he said. "I'm going to jump out of this car right now and kill myself."
That was it. After the knife incident, I told him that if he ever said those words again, I would take him straight to the mental hospital, no ifs, ands, or buts. I did not respond, except to pull the car into the opposite lane, turning left instead of right.
"Where are you taking me?" he said, suddenly worried. "Where are we going?"
"You know where we are going," I replied.
"No! You can't do that to me! You're sending me to hell! You're sending me straight to hell!"
I pulled up in front of the hospital, frantically waving for one of the clinicians who happened to be standing outside. "Call the police," I said. "Hurry."
Michael was in a full-blown fit by then, screaming and hitting. I hugged him close so he couldn't escape from the car. He bit me several times and repeatedly jabbed his elbows into my rib cage. I'm still stronger than he is, but I won't be for much longer.
The police came quickly and carried my son screaming and kicking into the bowels of the hospital. I started to shake, and tears filled my eyes as I filled out the paperwork—"Were there any difficulties with… at what age did your child… were there any problems with.. has your child ever experienced.. does your child have…"
At least we have health insurance now. I recently accepted a position with a local college, giving up my freelance career because when you have a kid like this, you need benefits. You'll do anything for benefits. No individual insurance plan will cover this kind of thing.
For days, my son insisted that I was lying—that I made the whole thing up so that I could get rid of him. The first day, when I called to check up on him, he said, "I hate you. And I'm going to get my revenge as soon as I get out of here."
By day three, he was my calm, sweet boy again, all apologies and promises to get better. I've heard those promises for years. I don't believe them anymore.
On the intake form, under the question, "What are your expectations for treatment?" I wrote, "I need help."
And I do. This problem is too big for me to handle on my own. Sometimes there are no good options. So you just pray for grace and trust that in hindsight, it will all make sense.
I am sharing this story because I am Adam Lanza's mother. I am Dylan Klebold's and Eric Harris's mother. I am Jason Holmes's mother. I am Jared Loughner's mother. I am Seung-Hui Cho's mother. And these boys—and their mothers—need help. In the wake of another horrific national tragedy, it's easy to talk about guns. But it's time to talk about mental illness.
According to Mother Jones, since 1982, 61 mass murders involving firearms have occurred throughout the country. Of these, 43 of the killers were white males, and only one was a woman. Mother Jones focused on whether the killers obtained their guns legally (most did). But this highly visible sign of mental illness should lead us to consider how many people in the U.S. live in fear, like I do.
When I asked my son's social worker about my options, he said that the only thing I could do was to get Michael charged with a crime. "If he's back in the system, they'll create a paper trail," he said. "That's the only way you're ever going to get anything done. No one will pay attention to you unless you've got charges."
I don't believe my son belongs in jail. The chaotic environment exacerbates Michael's sensitivity to sensory stimuli and doesn't deal with the underlying pathology. But it seems like the United States is using prison as the solution of choice for mentally ill people. According to Human Rights Watch, the number of mentally ill inmates in U.S. prisons quadrupled from 2000 to 2006, and it continues to rise—in fact, the rate of inmate mental illness is five times greater (56 percent) than in the non-incarcerated population.
With state-run treatment centers and hospitals shuttered, prison is now the last resort for the mentally ill—Rikers Island, the LA County Jail and Cook County Jail in Illinois housed the nation's largest treatment centers in 2011.
No one wants to send a 13-year-old genius who loves Harry Potter and his snuggle animal collection to jail. But our society, with its stigma on mental illness and its broken healthcare system, does not provide us with other options. Then another tortured soul shoots up a fast food restaurant. A mall. A kindergarten classroom. And we wring our hands and say, "Something must be done."
I agree that something must be done. It's time for a meaningful, nation-wide conversation about mental health. That's the only way our nation can ever truly heal.
I read this earlier. Those poor siblings need for someone to help too. That kid is terrorizing them with his out of control rages. Good question Quix on where the father is.
And also, Steph . . . where are potential church fathers, big brothers . . . is the mother not a member because of beliefs? Are the churches tooooo wimpy on their priorities?
At some point, having lived with such folks . . . adults, actually . . . I wonder if there's any demonic influence.
I recognize there's lots of psychiatric labels for such hair-trigger acting out . . . and I'm not arbitrarily saying they don't fit. They likely fit very much. I just wonder if that's "all" that's going on.
A label doesn't really explain anything very often. It's just a short-hand for a paragraph or more of description of behaviors.
And even a page description of behaviors may not give great clue about what's really "going on in the kids head."
It grieved me to hear that they'd been through a list of behavioral therapies.
One fine church couple here finally had to cart their teen son off at great expense to a remote residential treatment facility where the kids could not leave and had to comply with various rewards and punishments used. Eventually the kid 'grew up' and got his act together. I think now, he's employed at that site.
I think there was a waiting list to get in, even though it was expensive.
Sigh.
And the globalists just plan to genocidally murder all such folks.
Such sweetness.
Sigh.
The wise man sees calamity coming and prepares for it.
I deplore this sort of thing--particularly in a heavy handed way . . . however . . .
in this case, it might be very fitting.
There's electrical stimulation technologies available. I don't know whether they've been fitted to such cases or not--but they could be. They wouldn't be all that aversive in terms of pain etc. They'd just short circuit the rage center in his brain.
I don't know if it would be possible for the care givers to have a button or how it could be set-up but I think this would be relatively simple technology considering where the state of the "art" is currently . . . certainly in secret project levels.
The wise man sees calamity coming and prepares for it.
It was first posted the father worked with the cia, media now says he is a wall street type, multi millionaire and paid the crazy lady 200,000 a year to stay away from him. Apparently his youngest boy did not mean jack to him.
What is the answer to a situation like that? I feel for that mom, the stress on her and her other children must be great.
I do believe there are just some "bad seed", should we throw the other 2 kids away because she spends all her time and energy parenting the one child? The other two need a mother too.
Quote: ozarkian wrote in post #11What is the answer to a situation like that? I feel for that mom, the stress on her and her other children must be great.
I do believe there are just some "bad seed", should we throw the other 2 kids away because she spends all her time and energy parenting the one child? The other two need a mother too.
You are so right. I feel for this woman. No answers from Doctors, either, which makes the situation even harder to deal with. How can the father/husband .......live with himself ?
Wouldn't it be nice if one thing would emerge as the cause of these tragedies?
If someone would only stand up and shout "I have the key!" [and be right]
The diagnosis is obviously so elusive but it's just what we need.
In what has become typical fashion for our culture, we're deeply divided.
Deeply divided and so often we're pretty shallow in our diagnoses. The truth is we have no idea what's causing our affliction. We see the fruit of our condition and scramble to find THE cause.
Mental illness, automatic weapons, video games, violent movies, violent cartoons/entertainment, absentee parenting, abusive parenting, bullying, psych drugs, psych itself, genetics, God being evicted, end times. a combination of some or all of the above?
I think it's wise to reflect and pray on all of the above. Does anyone think they have the one answer that can be applied to all?
I read one mother's response to Liza Long's letter. She assured all that no child of hers would EVER get away with calling her a bitch. That child would first have to deal with her AND THEN the father. Pretty simple hey? Evidently it worked for her everytime so she had the root cause identified in her mind.
But perhaps she never had one of these children. What if punishment and then more punishment only fueled the problem?
Maybe we should begin looking hard and long at the problem and reflect on the reality of our hopeless situation.
Quote: ThirstyMan wrote in post #13Wouldn't it be nice if one thing would emerge as the cause of these tragedies?
If someone would only stand up and shout "I have the key!" [and be right]
The diagnosis is obviously so elusive but it's just what we need.
In what has become typical fashion for our culture, we're deeply divided.
Deeply divided and so often we're pretty shallow in our diagnoses. The truth is we have no idea what's causing our affliction. We see the fruit of our condition and scramble to find THE cause.
Mental illness, automatic weapons, video games, violent movies, violent cartoons/entertainment, absentee parenting, abusive parenting, bullying, psych drugs, psych itself, genetics, God being evicted, end times. a combination of some or all of the above?
I think it's wise to reflect and pray on all of the above. Does anyone think they have the one answer that can be applied to all?
I read one mother's response to Liza Long's letter. She assured all that no child of hers would EVER get away with calling her a bitch. That child would first have to deal with her AND THEN the father. Pretty simple hey? Evidently it worked for her everytime so she had the root cause identified in her mind.
But perhaps she never had one of these children. What if punishment and then more punishment only fueled the problem?
Maybe we should begin looking hard and long at the problem and reflect on the reality of our hopeless situation.
I saw the woman who wrote this blog being interviewed on television. She looked sad and tired.
When asked why she wrote it, she said she wrote it primarily for herself. She didn't know that the whole world would read it.
Her son knew she wrote it. Her son thought it was a good idea. He thought it might help another mother or son.
None of us can truly understand it unless we walk in another's shoes and live that life.
Orthodoxy SUCKS.
"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with senses, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use and by some other means to give us knowledge which we can attain by them."- Galileo Galilei
Quote: ThirstyMan wrote in post #13Wouldn't it be nice if one thing would emerge as the cause of these tragedies?
If someone would only stand up and shout "I have the key!" [and be right]
The diagnosis is obviously so elusive but it's just what we need.
In what has become typical fashion for our culture, we're deeply divided.
Deeply divided and so often we're pretty shallow in our diagnoses. The truth is we have no idea what's causing our affliction. We see the fruit of our condition and scramble to find THE cause.
Mental illness, automatic weapons, video games, violent movies, violent cartoons/entertainment, absentee parenting, abusive parenting, bullying, psych drugs, psych itself, genetics, God being evicted, end times. a combination of some or all of the above?
I think it's wise to reflect and pray on all of the above. Does anyone think they have the one answer that can be applied to all?
I read one mother's response to Liza Long's letter. She assured all that no child of hers would EVER get away with calling her a bitch. That child would first have to deal with her AND THEN the father. Pretty simple hey? Evidently it worked for her everytime so she had the root cause identified in her mind.
But perhaps she never had one of these children. What if punishment and then more punishment only fueled the problem?
Maybe we should begin looking hard and long at the problem and reflect on the reality of our hopeless situation.
I saw the woman who wrote this blog being interviewed on television. She looked sad and tired.
When asked why she wrote it, she said she wrote it primarily for herself. She didn't know that the whole world would read it.
Her son knew she wrote it. Her son thought it was a good idea. He thought it might help another mother or son.
None of us can truly understand it unless we walk in another's shoes and live that life.
Your last line rings so true. I cannot imagine living in a family situation where we'd have a pre-arranged safety drill with the other siblings to go lock yourself in the car should "Michael" get violent.
RIGHT'S RIGHT 
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Mon Dec 17, 2012 12:46 am
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